Educator of the Year but woe is me
by Colleen Guzman
I am proud to announce that I have been named the Educator of the Year for my campus Pat Neff Middle School. This is my 6th year teaching and my fourth at this campus. Two years ago I became the Yearbook sponsor because I love going to the student's events and I figured since I was going to be there anyway I might as well take students with me to take pictures and create a yearbook. This year I wrote a grant with my very good friend and colleague Sarah. We won almost $6,000.00 to use to create a recycling program at school and a schoolyard habitat. We also started a club where students learn about environmental issues and sustainability. We created a whole environmental sustainability faire with speakers and tables full of presenters and we even helped our club students create speeches and we had them address the families from the stage. I also received a grant for $700.00 to get specialty microscopes which I will be sharing with my colleagues. I work diligently to get to know my students and to teach them not only what the state says they need to know but topics that will make them better members of society. I genuinely care about my students and my peers. I try to mentor my peers and be available for them, and several of them call me "work mom" because they come to me for advice and love on tough days. I am proud of all of these things and yet I still feel like I am not good enough.
My husband asked me the other day, "when will enough be enough?" I don't have an answer for that. Each time I have an accomplishment there is always a reason why that accomplishment isn't good enough. Educator of the Year is a prime example. Why can't I be proud of that accomplishment? Well, first of all I know that my friends nominated me for the award so in my mind they just did that because I am a good friend and "work mom" and not because I am a good teacher. I mean they think I am a good teacher but in reality they have never been in my classroom so how can they know. The next reason is because they rallied for me this year, they talked to people and told them why they should vote for me. Many of my colleagues have told me that they think I deserve the award but rather than focus on all of those wonderful people my brain is hyper-focused on the people who don't like me and don't think I deserve it. I am terrible about tearing myself down. I can find any reason to make any accomplishment seem less than impressive. The final straw was not winning for the whole district, so in my mind that just proves that if a bunch of people who don't know me get together they will not think I am so great and they won't vote for me. I'm telling you I can twist anything to equal thoughts that I am not so great.
All of those negative thoughts aside I am still able to be proud of myself occasionally when I push all the negative thoughts to the side. However, I'm not done yet with the negativity. You would think that I had already said enough but no there is more. Since this was a big accomplishment there was a ceremony and I invited my whole family to come so there are photos of the occasion. I have always had body issues, it is normal in many women and a lot of mine stems from being a large girl growing up so I got all the fun nicknames like King Kong, The Amazon, the Girila-la, Colleen Cake (because I was so fat I must only eat cake all the time). Through all of this clattering around in my head I try to be kind to myself and see myself as beautiful even though it is quite difficult. For this occasion I went to Ross and found a lovely, long black dress to accentuate my height, all black so I felt thin. I was on cloud nine that night, I felt like I was the bell of the ball, looking so beautiful and statuesque but then the pictures came out. That was when the truth hit me, I am still fat and I am still a giant. I am not pretty at all and everyone who was telling me I was just loves me as a person and can't see the forest for the trees. I want to crawl under the covers and hide the hideousness in my house forever but I don't because I have students to teach, so I swallow it all down and get up and keep on keepin' on.
I guess you are wondering why I am telling you all of these things. I just wanted to share all the things that are going on inside of me, to show people that they are not alone in their self doubt. I want people to know that they are good enough even though they might not feel like it. I want other people to be able to feel pride in what they have accomplished and to see themselves and think "I am beautiful", "I am good enough" and they are all those things even when their brain tries to tell them they aren't. I am a good teacher, heck I am a great teacher and colleague, peer, friend, "work mom", mentor, wife, daughter, mother, and all number of things. I am good enough and so are you. Get up every day and do your personal best and be the best you that you can possibly be and at the end of the day when all the self doubt and negativity come your way you can tell it to go away because you have done the very best you can and it is good enough and you will be okay and you will keep going to do more great things.
